I was married 33 years ago, and they threw shoes and rice. My wife was beautiful, and we were in love. We have made a relationship that has stood the test of time, and we were able to understand our dance and build a healthy, loving future.
But we had yet to learn what life would be like over time. We were lucky that our feelings for each other turned out to be correct. No one can understand and work through what happens over the long haul. Making a life decision does take some consideration. We don’t always think finding out what lies beneath our personalities and experiences takes a minute. People rarely consider these factors when making their most crucial life decisions.
Ben Franklin once said, “Choose your shoes and bed wisely because you will be in one or the other all your life.” I could add your life partner to that quote. Now we could very appropriately say that, in the end, it’s a crap shoot as to whom our spouse may turn out to be. It’s tricky at the beginning of a relationship to read the tea leaves and know what’s coming down the pike.
It’s certainly possible to marry only to find out our partner has a drug or gambling problem, and yet the beat goes on. We simply cannot predict all things. But we can ask questions about past relationships and family struggles.
In psychology circles, two years is the best litmus test for allowing someone to express their personality fully. No one can keep everything down or secrets for that long. Most people don’t want to wait. There is no rush.
Secondly, don’t expect your partner to change. We can work out internal pain and be more at peace. Learning how to communicate and become empathic are always possible. But our fundamental way of being is wired in. Narcissists rarely become selfless. So, if we are going to take the plunge, we need to think hard about developing radical acceptance and tolerance.
Thirdly, those trivial things that bother us will become larger down the line. So please don’t get so into acceptance that we miss thinking about how this might affect us later. If he’s a slob or she is a spendthrift, those things will get bigger. So, either you come to terms with it or suffer in silence.
Something else to consider is how we live with another person. There are those who are night owls, and others, early birds. They may be fitness junkies, and others, couch potatoes; how we live matters. The hard part is establishing fun things you like to do together. It allows for continued connections. But if your lives don’t mesh and your way of living is quite different, it may eventually get annoying and dysfunctional.
Another issue is culture, religion, and family. If that doesn’t work, you will be in that situation for the rest of your life. It isn’t very workable if their family is a mess or there are different holidays and traditions. If they are super enmeshed with their family and need to call in five times a day, that will wear on you.
If their family never talked about anything emotional or is high conflict without resolution, guess what you will get if that problem still needs to be addressed. Communication is the key to lasting happiness.
So, we must also determine if they can reflect on their behavior. Do they need to be right? Are they defensive? Do they withdraw? Are harsh words said? Is there screaming or hitting below the belt? You can imagine how that flies. This brings me to the real deal. How do you process conflict, irritations, and disagreements? This is the most critical of them all. If disputes and disagreements aren’t managed efficiently, they don’t get resolved and remain in the background. If conflicts are not worked out so that both people feel satisfied and good feelings are returned, you or your partner will start feeling distant and resentful. Intimacy will eventually fade away. You should feel confident that you can work through an argument no matter what happens. If disagreements end in a Mexican standoff, then it will build up and drive a wedge between you.
For relationships to work, they must be respectful and involve acknowledgment and empathy. Each person must be able to listen and hear the other without necessarily agreeing but understanding their point of view, no matter how farfetched it may seem. People need to feel heard. If not, arguments escalate until you are too exhausted to go on.
Now, to the final matter. Are they functional? Can they be a good partner, hold up their end, and keep their promises? Showing up is half the battle; they must be there when needed, especially with children. Have they developed a life? Do they have a best friend? Have they separated from their family? These are the things that matter after the blush is off the rose.
People tell me they must walk on eggshells at home with their mates. That’s right to an extent. We must be conscious of the other person and be kind and thoughtful. Watch our words, be considerate, and be accountable for our actions. Yes, we do have to be aware of our effect on our mate. But if our partner becomes angry or withdraws whenever we bring up an issue, that will shut down communication. The ability to talk things out is the grease on the wheel of our relationship. Without it, those emotional wheels don’t turn.
A critical element in our choice of a life partner means being aware of any history of child abuse. These memories can be quite powerful and may be dumped out onto your relationship or indicators of what that person may be doing to dull the pain. Have they had any therapy, or are they in a program?
Ultimately, committed relationships are not a license to act however we want; we can learn how to live as our best selves and treat our partner as our absolute best friend and lover. Importantly, be kind, considerate and responsible. Remember what is essential to our mate and try to respond to their needs. In all spiritual and psychological training, the goal is to be a good human and treat others how we want to be treated. Trying to do important things for our mate, like becoming a good listener, will put the grease on that wheel in our relationship life while building a positive future. Not that there will not be bumps in the road, but knowing where we are going makes the ride a bit smoother.