“Everywhere You Go There You Are”
Jon Kabat-Zinn
In my last blog about “My Own Worst Enemy,” I spoke about self-attack and the lack of compassion, understanding, respect, and empathy. I described a patient of mine who believed that he was behind where he should be in life and therefore, he will never be able to “Catch up.” This is also related to his belief that making money and having a big house is the definition of success. He connects this to someone being able to love him. This relates to his core identity of being intrinsically worthless and unlovable.
The other night I was watching the TV series on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders because I’m interested in why these women choose to do this for no money but lots of fame. One of the cheerleaders was talking to her mother and mentioned that she was behind where she should be in life, and she would never catch up. Sounded familiar.
I asked myself, “What is it that does that?” She also expressed problems with depression. Why would someone put themselves in a “Catch 22” psychological dilemma with no way out? They are condemned to a failed life with no reprieve. They will never be OK because they believe they wasted their time during their twenties and are behind where they “Should be in life.” It is also that they fundamentally believe this. There is no way to convince them otherwise. She was sitting with her mother who was struggling in vain to convince her that it was not true much the same way I did with my patient with the same result. A brick wall.
Eventually, we wore each other out and he stopped therapy. Rightly so. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on what went wrong and how I could find a way to get through this wall of shame. I started to think about how to deal effectively with this issue. What was a helpful treatment modality when there was such resistance? Why was there such a stubborn adherence to this myth?
I looked up treatment for this issue and there was not a definitive answer as to how to treat this with psychodynamic psychotherapy. No one seemed to know exactly how to fix it. They characteristically suggested cognitive therapy, meditation, and medication. I get it. Good stuff for sure but no cigar.
For a moment I considered their need to stay in the family system. Both my patient and this woman spoke about parents who did not care about them. They felt alone and invisible to them. Ok, that’s causation.
Now for the kicker. When we think about this and turn the sound off what do we see? I noticed that the direction of the aggression was inward. They did not consider the outside world except for how it pertained to them. They were not doing this in any sense positively, but negatively. They focused on themselves. If they could be successful and have done everything exactly right, then people would love them.
But what about being behind? They are caught in a trap of their own making and cannot see that it is truly a negative fantasy. Their direction was toward what had happened to them and how they were a victim of their own past. They made a mistake and there is no redemption.
I thought about the idea that caring for and about others is a way out and into the world. They did not have the capacity to see this as the way through their dilemma. It appeared to me that health comes from focusing outward and on the lives of other people or things. Forming strong bonds with others seems to be the key to becoming a healthy person. Loving, caring, supporting, and focusing on others appears to be the solution to forming a healthier place in life.
The concept of an outward and forward-moving focus creates a sense that our life is in our own hands, not a death sentence. Instead of believing that the problem is within us and there is no salvation, the focus can shift to the future.
What this means is the focal point switches from directing our aggression toward ourselves to the path forward being outward toward productivity, creativity, and giving of our time to the benefit of ourselves in a positive way and to others.
When we think of happiness, it’s always about what it means to impact other people in an effective way. The ability to lift others up and to engage in the pursuit of productive and creative outlets is where happiness lives.
In the writing of this piece that is what I’m doing, and it feels good to think of something that can help my patients lead better lives. I am concerned about this man who got away. I failed him, not for the lack of trying but I missed this one important aspect. Not that I don’t know this, but I could not tie it to this way of believing. I kept talking about the thing he was doing and how it was not true rather than he was going in the wrong direction. The dilemma of this patient has motivated me to consider what it means to understand that aggression turned toward the self and focus on the past will always fail.