“Without heart there can be no peace.”
Bill Cloke
I am sitting with a man in his early thirties, doing psychotherapy, and he is severely depressed. He believes he “wasted his twenties” and feels there is “no hope” for him now. In his mind it is “too late” to right the ship or turn his life around because he is “behind,” and he will never “catch up.” He perceives being “behind” as not having reached his goal of earning a substantial amount of money, and without this kind of money no one will love him. He believes he doesn’t deserve a good life, and that he is deficient. He attacks his past, his future, and in the process his present. On our journey of forgiveness for himself, to find his inner calm and joy, we must first discover an opportunity for care, for love…for heart. As it stands, there is no heart in his internal relationship and therefore he deprives himself of peace.
The dictionary defines “having heart” as “to be kind, sympathetic, generous, and etc…” The etcetera in this definition is a weighty one, as “heart” can be defined in many ways. Having a heart is about becoming more human, being more truthful with oneself, opening the heart, and becoming more loving, compassionate, and kind to oneself and to all other human beings as well. Heartfulness helps us solve problems because we care about the feelings of the other person and their pain. The heart is the opposite of hate. It’s nonjudgmental and non-critical. Having a heart for each person can be slightly different, but we know when we feel it. Without heart, little of what we truly need is attainable.
What then defines heartlessness? Trauma, abuse, repressed emotions, anger, lost opportunity, jealousy, unfulfilled dreams, fear of self-disclosure, living in denial, and unresolved conflicts. Mostly it comes from neglect, lack of concern, interest, or love coming from our family and caregivers. All children blame themselves for the neglect and abuse they experience as children.
In a documentary I watched recently, the commentator was walking along a dirt road with a building in the back. He stops and starts sifting the sand in front of him. He was standing outside of Dachau concentration camp in Germany where millions of Jews were killed. He explains that when a group of people believes that there is only one truth, and that truth will save them from their degradation and death, they can become killers. They listened to Hitler call Jews vermin, and they applauded his willingness to rid Germany of this plague upon their country. This heartlessness formed out of their desperation and fear.
The oldest theme in literature is man’s inhumanity to man. Whether it is at a macro level like in Ukraine or the Middle East, or on a micro level in vicious and cruel relationships within ourselves and then towards other people. At the root of it is heartlessness.
When I work with couples the central problem lies in the way they treat one another and their inability to communicate or listen to each other. The lack of respect, the harsh words, and the hurtful things they say and do to one another destroy the love and connection that initially brought them together. It starts with what our parents taught us or what they failed to teach us. If we grew up in a home that was neglectful, violent, hateful, racist, or exclusive, it’s more than likely we will become a person who reflects those qualities. And if there were no other viable alternatives to that wounding environment in our young lives, we would naturally develop a deeply negative inner life. We identify with what we experience. If our experience lacks heart, so will we.
The way to acquire a heart is to first, be in touch with our body, then to look at, to see, and to understand where we came from and what formed us. Then we can use what I call “The Cure.” C for compassion, U for understanding, R for respect which means self-respect, and E for Empathy. If we are not using one of these processes with ourselves or others, for that matter, we are off track.
Developing empathy and compassion for ourselves and others can lead to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships. It’s about listening to what we want, need, and value in life and then responding by showing others the same kind of care. As we accept our own struggles, we can connect to others in their struggle.
When we consider our future consider this: We cannot be a house divided against itself or in a broader sense our neighbors, and the world. To make peace with ourselves is the first order. The second is with others. How we relate to ourselves is all we have real control over. Overcoming a lifetime of internal strife, self-hatred, judgment, self-criticism, and hopelessness takes work. These inner processes are in place by the time we are six years old and operate unconsciously and automatically.
I worked with a patient who would call her inner voice “The Gremlin” because it was incessantly telling her how inadequate and stupid she was. For her to learn how to neutralize the negative self-talk of “The Gremlin” took some doing but she was able to silence it and move toward a more positive outlook.
We are after all predators. Our eyes face forward, we are naturally aggressive, and historically we hunted for our food. Just because we go to the grocery store, does not mean our basic instincts have changed. When we are wounded by people we depend on to take care of us, and they fail to care, we turn that aggression around and prey on ourselves and others. To understand the effect of neglect on our psyche, we need only remember that all mass shooters are loners who feel no one cares about them.
How do we make our aggression productive and how do we learn to regulate our angry feelings? This can only occur if we start early and teach our children about tolerance, humanitarian values, and how to be kind to themselves and to others. Children also need to learn how to set goals and be productive and inventive. These are healthy outlets for aggression.
As for my young man in the story, our work is about finding a way to be non-critical and/or judgmental toward himself. His story is about how to understand that he has a whole life ahead of him to find the happiness he wants. That no one is essentially inadequate or undeserving. We all deserve to have a life doing something we can become good at. As he connects to his true self, he will know more about what is true about life. This is a process of discovery that develops out of self-reflection, awareness, and the acquisition of wisdom.
My concern is what we do to ourselves affects what we do to others. They are intrinsically related to each other. You can’t really be at war with yourself and have an authentic life with others. We do not have to be victims of our upbringing if it was abusive. To be in our body 24/7 and not have peace is a tough way to live. We don’t see the Dalai Lama punching people out or yelling at everyone around him. He is smiling all the time. I don’t think that happens by accident.
Everyone can find something they can do to have a worthwhile life. That begins with an integrated internal life. We don’t have to be in love with ourselves, but we can feel like we are OK. We all deserve internal compassion and understanding. Our willingness to uncover those caring feelings towards ourselves is what creates our heartfulness. It takes time but the reward is moment to moment, and ultimately a stable state of peace. Heart is, after all, an inside job.