Let’s face it—conflict is part of every relationship. No matter how much love there is, sooner or later, disagreements show up at the door. What matters most isn’t whether we argue, but how we handle those moments when emotions run high and words can either build a bridge or burn it down.
Over the years, working with countless couples, I’ve seen one truth rise above all others—the health of a relationship isn’t measured by the absence of conflict, but by the ability to resolve it with care, respect, and understanding.
That’s why I developed something simple, something human—an approach I call WAVE. It’s not magic. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about having a roadmap when things get tough.
WAVE stands for:
- Wait
- Acknowledge
- Validate
- Empathize
Let me walk you through it, not as a set of rigid rules, but as a way to stay connected when conflict threatens to pull you apart.
Step 1: Wait — Give Your Heart and Mind Time to Breathe
When tempers flare, nothing good comes from charging ahead. In those heated moments, we’re not thinking with the part of our brain that fosters love and understanding—we’re in survival mode. Fight or flight takes over, and conversations turn into battlegrounds.
So, the first thing to do is simple—pause. Take twenty minutes, take two hours, or even a day if needed, but agree that you’ll come back to the issue. This isn’t avoidance; it’s emotional intelligence in action.
Remember, anger is rarely the root emotion. It’s usually sitting on top of hurt, fear, sadness, or feeling unseen. Use this waiting period to ask yourself, What’s really going on beneath my anger? And just as important, What might my partner be feeling?
Step 2: Acknowledge — Let Them Know You Hear Them
One of the biggest reasons arguments spiral out of control is that people don’t feel heard. So, they get louder—not because they want to fight, but because they’re desperate for connection.
A simple acknowledgment like, “I hear that you’re upset because you felt ignored when I was on my phone,” can shift everything. It’s not agreement. It’s not surrender. It’s letting your partner know their feelings matter.
When couples skip this step, they fall into the familiar traps—attack/defend, defend/defend, or worse, attack/attack. But when you acknowledge, you open the door to calm.
Step 3: Validate — Every Feeling Has a Reason
Here’s the truth—people don’t get upset for no reason. Even if you don’t fully understand or agree, there’s always something valid about how your partner feels.
Validation sounds like, “I get why that would upset you. Anyone would feel that way in your shoes.”
This isn’t about blame or fault. It’s about recognizing the emotional reality of the person you love. Too often, couples get stuck defending themselves instead of offering understanding. Validation breaks that cycle.
And a quick tip—leave the past where it belongs. Stay in the moment. Dragging in old grievances or weaponizing past vulnerabilities only deepens the divide.
Step 4: Empathize — See Through Their Eyes
Empathy is where real healing happens. It’s not feeling sorry for your partner—that’s sympathy. Empathy is stepping into their experience, seeing the world from behind their eyes.
Ask yourself, What is it like to be them right now?
This requires self-awareness—knowing where your feelings end and theirs begin. It’s not always easy, especially when you’re hurting too. But empathy is the glue that holds relationships together when everything feels like it’s coming apart.
Now What? — Moving From Emotion to Solution
Once both of you feel heard, validated, and understood, it’s time to name the problem together. Not in a who’s right, who’s wrong way, but in a how do we move forward way.
For example:
“When I feel ignored, I get defensive, and then we both get upset. Maybe the real issue is we need better ways to reconnect when we’re both distracted or stressed.”
From there, brainstorm solutions. Focus on the future, not on replaying the argument. Talk about what each of you can do next time—not what went wrong last time. This shift from blame to collaboration changes everything.
Make a Plan — and Mean It
Words are nice, but actions build trust. Decide together what you’ll each do differently when conflict arises again—because it will.
It could be as simple as, “I’ll let you know when I need your attention, instead of stewing in silence.” Or, “I’ll pause and listen before reacting.”
Break it down into small, doable steps. There are no heroes or villains here—just two people figuring it out together.
Take Action — and Keep the Conversation Going
Trying matters. When your partner sees you making an effort, even if it’s imperfect, it deepens intimacy. Check in with each other: “How are we doing with what we agreed on?” Celebrate the wins, adjust where needed, and always come back to compassion.
The Heart of It All
At the end of the day, how you handle conflict defines the strength of your relationship. Conflict isn’t the enemy—disconnection is.
If you can approach disagreements with concern, respect, and a willingness to look at your own part, you’ll not only resolve conflicts—you’ll grow closer because of them.
No, it won’t always be seamless. Life’s messy. Emotions are complicated. But if you know where you’re headed—toward understanding, empathy, and love—you’ll spend less time lost in arguments and more time building something lasting.
Remember, every conflict is an opportunity—not just to solve a problem, but to show each other that your relationship matters more than being right.
So next time tension rises, ride the WAVE together.