Emotions can run high for the holidays. This time of year seems to bring up our entire history of Christmas or Chanukah past. Hurt feelings can pop out of the woodwork when we least expect it. To keep our sanity there are a few things to keep in mind going into this yule tide season.
2025 has been quite a year and we are only halfway through it. We lost our home in the Palisades fires and then the whole world caught fire. Wars in Ukraine, Gaza, Iran, and Israel, mass shootings and our president is pressing his authority like never before. There seems to be nowhere to turn in
“Everywhere You Go There You Are” Jon Kabat-Zinn In my last blog about “My Own Worst Enemy,” I spoke about self-attack and the lack of compassion, understanding, respect, and empathy. I described a patient of mine who believed that he was behind where he should be in life and therefore, he will never be able
When I work with couples the central problem lies in the way they treat one another and their inability to communicate or listen to each other. The lack of respect, the harsh words, and the hurtful things they say and do to one another destroy the love and connection that initially brought them together. It starts with what our parents taught us or what they failed to teach us. If we grew up in a home that was neglectful, violent, hateful, racist, or exclusive, it’s more than likely we will become a person who reflects those qualities. And if there were no other viable alternatives to that wounding environment in our young lives, we would naturally develop a deeply negative inner life. We identify with what we experience. If our experience lacks heart, so will we.
This idea of trying to fix ourselves with something on the outside like our face, body, and or what other people see, simply can’t be done. Violence toward the self can take many forms such as alcohol abuse, intravenous drugs, tattooing, plastic surgery, cutting, risky behavior, antagonism toward the self, and violence toward others. The act of rejecting your inner self in favor of physical attraction, trappings of wealth, or numbing ourselves is, in the end, an exercise in futility.
Don’t worry be happy goes the phrase. Why not, we covet bliss. Mindfulness, cleansings, wellness groups, groping ceremonies, psychedelics, sports and on it goes. Big question, how are we going to accomplish well-being in a world in crisis, rising crime, difficult relationships, health issues and childcare. The day-to-day grind, loss of loved ones, illness, malaise, and pathos around and within us. So, how does one find happiness in all of this?
The other night I was sitting watching a show with my wife. She was talking about a program and mentioned it several times. I started to flinch. In a level tone (because now I know now that raising my voice would start a fight) I said “OK, I’ve got it.” She fired back, “Why do you have to say it like that.” I didn’t understand, after all I said it in low tone.
The anthem of the 1960’s was “Live hard and die young.”. The notion at the time was thirty meant the end. As in all things time has swooshed by and here I am staring at myself in the mirror, and I’m horrified. I got old. It was not supposed to happen, that was for other people, not me. I see young people and they look at me that I did then. There was a line from the Beatles movie and “A Hard Days Night.,” When they describe an older character and a “Clean old man.” They described him as if he were from an alien world. Diverse cultures treat old age differently. In Asia old people are revered. In others it’s simply a passage of time. But in America we are actually and metaphorically pitched into the waist bin of a youth obsessed culture.
“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” -John Lennon Jan and Dave