The other day, a couple comes in, sits down, and they break into a deafening silence. They reminded me of an incident in Maui a lifetime ago, sitting in a little bar named the Maui Belle. It was the middle of the day, and I walked in and sat around a group of sailors. About
When I work with couples the central problem lies in the way they treat one another and their inability to communicate or listen to each other. The lack of respect, the harsh words, and the hurtful things they say and do to one another destroy the love and connection that initially brought them together. It starts with what our parents taught us or what they failed to teach us. If we grew up in a home that was neglectful, violent, hateful, racist, or exclusive, it’s more than likely we will become a person who reflects those qualities. And if there were no other viable alternatives to that wounding environment in our young lives, we would naturally develop a deeply negative inner life. We identify with what we experience. If our experience lacks heart, so will we.
The other night I was sitting watching a show with my wife. She was talking about a program and mentioned it several times. I started to flinch. In a level tone (because now I know now that raising my voice would start a fight) I said “OK, I’ve got it.” She fired back, “Why do you have to say it like that.” I didn’t understand, after all I said it in low tone.
One day I’m in my office doing my thing waiting for a patient to call or come in. After about ten minutes I checked in. Are we on for today? Text comes back, “Oh sorry I got caught up, will call at 1:15.” Ok, I write back. Nothing. I send a question mark only. Nothing. That was it. There was also earlier in the day someone just didn’t show or call. Now, I’m not saying this happens a lot, it doesn’t, but right away I start thinking. Did I say something, what was the last session like? I can’t really think of anything. No bad words, no disclaimers, bad looks, comments, nothing that I can remember. What is this? I liked these people. We seemed to have a good working relationship. What is going on?
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche Laurie and Frank were high school sweethearts. They married young because Laurie became pregnant and, being Catholic, any other choice was out of the question, so he decided to do the right thing. It
Jack took on the job as managing partner for his law firm in Brentwood, California. He formed a Limited Liability Company with his partners because his landlord was jacking up the rents and he wanted to save money on rent. After a few years Jack became increasingly irritated that he could not get his partners more involved or respond in a timely manner to tenant issues that he delegated to them. His need to respond immediately to tenant concerns made him increasingly impulsive about decision making.
“You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, N.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. “To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill.”– Gichin Funakoshi, father of modern Karate Jacklyn was a legal secretary in a litigation firm. It
Relationships start out with such promise. Everything seems so perfect. The way they look, speak, smile and the newness of it all is so sweet. Then over time the power of the beginning attraction begins to fade like the sun setting on the blush of a rose. First there are those disappointments, he forgets your birthday, she
“Only connect,” wrote E. M. Forster in Howards End,“and human love will be seen at its height.” Love depends on a couple’s ability to forge and then maintain the precious bond between them. We want to look more closely at ways of creating connection, preserving it through challenging times, and healing breaks when they occur.
“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” -John Lennon Jan and Dave