When I meet with people who initially come to see me for psychotherapy, I often find myself thinking, Why have they waited so long? It amazes me how people can go through years of their lives suffering from anxiety, depression, shame, loneliness, anger, and emotional pain without seeking help. Some will tell me they don’t
“Everywhere You Go There You Are” Jon Kabat-Zinn In my last blog about “My Own Worst Enemy,” I spoke about self-attack and the lack of compassion, understanding, respect, and empathy. I described a patient of mine who believed that he was behind where he should be in life and therefore, he will never be able
The hero is not the person who is fearless. The hero is the person who knows the risk and moves forward anyway. This week I witnessed something that struck me as genuinely heroic. Veteran journalist Scott Pelley stood before executives at CBS and publicly challenged what he believed had happened to one of the most
When I work with couples the central problem lies in the way they treat one another and their inability to communicate or listen to each other. The lack of respect, the harsh words, and the hurtful things they say and do to one another destroy the love and connection that initially brought them together. It starts with what our parents taught us or what they failed to teach us. If we grew up in a home that was neglectful, violent, hateful, racist, or exclusive, it’s more than likely we will become a person who reflects those qualities. And if there were no other viable alternatives to that wounding environment in our young lives, we would naturally develop a deeply negative inner life. We identify with what we experience. If our experience lacks heart, so will we.
This idea of trying to fix ourselves with something on the outside like our face, body, and or what other people see, simply can’t be done. Violence toward the self can take many forms such as alcohol abuse, intravenous drugs, tattooing, plastic surgery, cutting, risky behavior, antagonism toward the self, and violence toward others. The act of rejecting your inner self in favor of physical attraction, trappings of wealth, or numbing ourselves is, in the end, an exercise in futility.
Don’t worry be happy goes the phrase. Why not, we covet bliss. Mindfulness, cleansings, wellness groups, groping ceremonies, psychedelics, sports and on it goes. Big question, how are we going to accomplish well-being in a world in crisis, rising crime, difficult relationships, health issues and childcare. The day-to-day grind, loss of loved ones, illness, malaise, and pathos around and within us. So, how does one find happiness in all of this?
One day I’m in my office doing my thing waiting for a patient to call or come in. After about ten minutes I checked in. Are we on for today? Text comes back, “Oh sorry I got caught up, will call at 1:15.” Ok, I write back. Nothing. I send a question mark only. Nothing. That was it. There was also earlier in the day someone just didn’t show or call. Now, I’m not saying this happens a lot, it doesn’t, but right away I start thinking. Did I say something, what was the last session like? I can’t really think of anything. No bad words, no disclaimers, bad looks, comments, nothing that I can remember. What is this? I liked these people. We seemed to have a good working relationship. What is going on?
Jack took on the job as managing partner for his law firm in Brentwood, California. He formed a Limited Liability Company with his partners because his landlord was jacking up the rents and he wanted to save money on rent. After a few years Jack became increasingly irritated that he could not get his partners more involved or respond in a timely manner to tenant issues that he delegated to them. His need to respond immediately to tenant concerns made him increasingly impulsive about decision making.
In some way or another most of what we do in psychotherapy is related to some form of trauma. Most anxiety, panic, depression, and personality disorders are trauma related. We seem to feel that trauma survivors are an exceptional group of people who have wittingly or unwittingly exposed to some awful and super traumatizing events